A Certain Shitty Alphabet
by aoiyumekou48
Summary: "Heichou…" Eren called out, merely a borderline between a whisper and a gush of air escaping his lips. Rivaille looked at the sound of his title being called, his eyes bearing that usual light of slight annoyance and impassiveness in it. "Do you believe in love?" It was a question with no correct answer yet both had a single thought in mind. "Yes. And it is you." (alphabet-themed)
1. Aftermath

**A CERTAIN SHITTY ALPHABET : AFTERMATH – August 26, 2013**

* * *

**A - Aftermath**

* * *

"Heichou…" Eren breathed out as he looked at the sky, awed by the beauty it portrays and the unending vast of different shades of blue it contains. It's as if the sea beneath it was being mirrored through the heavens. He couldn't contain the feeling of finding the clouds drifting in the open air as something quite charming.

"It's fine now, isn't it?" A sigh of contentment escaping from his lips.

Rivaille had merely looked blankly into the view presented to him despite how much Eren's eyes twinkle and light up at the brand new sight he could only see in Armin's forbidden books.

"Our efforts were not in vain. Our sacrifices have been heard. Everything was very fruitful, Heichou." And Eren could not contain the happiness he felt because at last, this is what they all had been fighting for.

"So it's okay now, right?" And it seemed as though the air couldn't get out of his lungs. Eren clenched his hands as if the mere force of it could give him the courage and self-reassurance he needed. He closed his eyes as he remembered a distant memory he simply couldn't forget.

Feeling his heart quicken its pace when a certain presence is near and those damned butterflies swarm in his stomach as he was being overwhelmed by an emotion he certainly have no idea of was somewhat alarming and quite exciting. It was his first and certainly would be his last.

He remembered how he courageously approached humanity's strongest soldier and asked for his permission to have a simple talk regarding his feelings. And certainly, the way Rivaille's eyes scrutinized him in every possible way and how he crossed his arms did not help settle his nerves down even for only a few seconds.

He remembered what Rivaille had responded to his futile attempt of getting his feelings across with the use of words. He never really trusted his capability to use the right words at the right time. He was never really good at emotions as a whole. He was brash, yes, and thinking through things wasn't a matter he could simply excel at.

_"I won't allow any distractions nor any excuses for one. Not now. Not until this shitty thing is through. If you truly seek for this to be requited… live. Live until then. I don't have the time to mourn over spilled milk and lost bearings."_

It was what Rivaille had said word for word. He hadn't exactly rejected nor reciprocated Eren's feelings. Rivaille had given him a challenge and a wish. He challenged him to stay alive until everything was through and he wished for Eren to wait until then. Unless Rivaille had downright rejected him, he would have given up but it wasn't a clear answer. And those things were enough to give Eren all the hope and motivation he needed to see these feelings through and pursue them until the end.

He opened his eyes as he faced the man he had undoubtedly admired, feared, and cherished at the same time. He gingerly took Rivaille's hand and lovingly encompassed his fingers into his, making small yet careful rubbing motions to it as he lowered his head and gently placed his soft, plump lips onto the base of his fingers. He lightly squeezed it before grudgingly parting with it.

He slowly looked into Rivaille's eyes and tried not to flinch at how little to no emotion it reflects despite the affection his actions had spoken for him. He wasn't about to back out now. He wasn't going to let this chance go. Not when Rivaille had given him all the reasons to see this through.

And it all had been a fleeting moment. Rivaille violently yanked his hand out of Eren's gentle grasp. He reached out and grabbed the collar of Eren's shirt as he tugged him down to his eye level.

"If you're going to show your affection, do it right, Yeager." Rivaille spat at him and in a swift motion, he pulled hard at Eren's collar as their lips meet in a hard yet tender kiss. It wasn't exactly the romantic and sweet kind. It was sloppy and all over the place as the two longing souls fought for dominance. It was an eager and impatient kiss, mirroring all the years of hunger and restriction of two individuals caught in a troublesome situation.

And now that the hindrance is gone, it all boils down to the inevitable aftermath – a sudden surge of feelings chained and momentarily forgotten for the sake of humanity's victory.

* * *

**A/N:** Don't shoot me pls. I know I have my Sleeping to Dream story to update. I just really need to get this out of my system. This would be an alphabet-themed fanfiction and a collection of drabbles or one-shots. Yeah.

And I swear IDK WHAT TO DO WITH SLEEPING TO DREAM. I mean I have an idea but...but...but... I'm starting to get scared like shit people are following it now what if I disappoint them. Pls. I am one anxious little shit I'm so sorry. /cries


	2. Beat

**A CERTAIN SHITTY ALPHABET : BEAT – August 26, 2013**

* * *

**B - Beat**

* * *

It was a deafening sound. A constant shrill of a high-pitched tone somehow emulating a microphone feedback. A long flat piercing sound that cuts through the thin air. And as every second slips away in a momentary haze, it seemingly increased its volume as it penetrates deep in Rivaille's ears.

It was his heartbeat.

And he simply could not grunt away the familiarity eating his faintly beating heart. It was simply a rhythm ever too familiar. As if it was an old friend revisiting the caves and tunnels of his ears.

It was a prolonged monotonous beat. Seemingly a heartbeat of a person who had embraced death once or maybe, far too many times. A heartbeat fitting for a person such as him.

He might have been one. He might have been since ages ago. He simply could not count how many times has his heart died or how many times has his whole being faced the entity of death as if it was a normal occurrence. He had come into terms with himself that he certainly is a walking dead.

Rivaille is merely a human. He is a human capable of being consumed by strong emotions. A human that could be dehumanized by such acts of brutality and cruelty done by no other than humans such as himself. And in a world where he was drowned out by poverty and unlawful acts, staying human is simply not possible. Staying human could merely and gladly put you into your own downfall.

And if the only way of surviving was to kill himself and cage his heart, he had no qualms in doing so. He gladly sold his soul to the devil and tore his emotions apart. And he had since been listening to a single nauseating beat of a broken heart.

It might have been a miracle. He felt his heart thump rapidly in his chest as if wanting to burst out and be freed from the cage it was locked in. He found it hard to breathe. As if a single beat was putting so much strain in his whole being that he felt like breaking down. He clenched his white dress shirt as he took shaky and uneven breathes.

He simply could not allow how a single person, no, a mere child could easily wreck havoc in his strongly built enclosed state. Everything was falling down and his heartbeat had started to pick up an uneven yet continuous beeping sound.

He is alive. He had been resurrected by a single child. And although he kept his normal stoic upfront, he was slowly breaking down inside. It's as if a part of him was telling him to embrace this change but another part of him was telling him to go back to the way he used to be.

Would he take the risk and let his heart beat freely? Or would he, once again, kill himself and throw the humanity slowly creeping its way onto his confused state?

And the only answer he got was a tight embrace from the person his heart had chosen to beat passionately. Rivaille had been caught off guard. Before he could even act or say anything, Eren tightened his grasps on his shoulders as he breathed _"Wait…"_ at the top of his head.

_"Will you please let me through? Just this once…" _Eren pleaded as he lightly pecked Rivaille's head, a scent of flowers and fabric softeners combined wafting through his nostrils.

And Rivaille had no clue what brought him to say the words, _"Do what you want shitty brat." _as he slowly calmed down in the loving arms and warm embrace of one Eren Yeager.

Maybe it was how Eren's words were crafted into the words a certain part of himself wanted to hear. Or maybe it was how his voice drowned out all of Rivaille's self-restraint and hesitations and how it blocked all the scornful voices inside his head. Or maybe it was just how Eren's heartbeat magnificently resembled his own fast-paced rhythm.

But there's only one thing that Rivaille knew.

"Let go before I beat the shit out of you." He hardly spat out.

And Eren couldn't help but chuckle as he released humanity's strongest soldier from his tight embrace, receiving a light punch at his chest in return as Rivaille looked half-heartedly annoyed at him.

* * *

**A/N: **I wasn't planning to write this today but this prompt had been eating at me all day and I seriously need it to stop. So I wrote it down. There.

Sorry if it was a bit OOC or forced. Haha! I'm just really having fun with this theme so excuse me. /free falls into a titan's mouth


	3. Collide

**A CERTAIN SHITTY ALPHABET : COLLIDE – September 10, 2013**

* * *

**C - Collide**

* * *

_I'm open, you're closed._

_ Where I follow, you'll go._

"Corporal, we should stop this."

It was the first time Eren had pushed him back. It was the first time he heard the words of disapproval and rejection from the brunette's mouth. Aside from the half-hearted pleads of trying to stop such acts of intense desire and pleasure, Eren had never really voiced such discontent. And as Rivaille looked into the boy's eyes, he couldn't help but subtly flinch with all the seriousness and some other emotion he couldn't seem to place flash through those turquoise-green eyes of his.

He lowered his head, placing his soft lips near the brunette's left ear. "What needs to stop?" He inquired, a hint of tease lingering in his voice as his lips faintly brushed the outline of Eren's ear. He heard a gasp, a sharp intake of air. And Rivaille couldn't help but smirk at that sweet reaction he got just by whispering such words of inquiry into his ear.

Eren tried his best not to shiver as he felt Rivaille's hot breath rush through his quite sensitive ear. He felt his cheeks redden as he noticed the close proximity of Rivaille's face into his. This wasn't the first time Rivaille invaded his personal space. This wasn't the first time Rivaille managed to get him all giddy and tingly. It wasn't the first time yet with every encounter, every touch, and every experience he had with the said man, he couldn't help but anticipate and feel agitated as the thrill and excitement eat away what little self-restraint he had. And so it seems that with Rivaille, everything will _always_ be a first. Everything will _always_ be something new.

Though everything had all been a bliss and a treasure worth keeping, Eren couldn't help but feel that there is something wrong. He knew for a fact that they were doing this just for the sake of keeping their sanity intact. Everything was all an act of self-reassurance. But with every second he spent with this man in the confines of his four-cornered cellar, he felt his heart slowly but surely being robbed off of himself.

Though he never had any experience with love and though it was such a foreign concept to him, he knew that this was it. He knew that he was slowly falling in the arms of humanity's strongest soldier, Lance Corporal Rivaille. And though this situation is quite beneficial for him, he simply couldn't take the fact that such sentimental acts were being done with no strings attached. And even though he never really wanted to break away from their daily affair, he, at least, wanted to save himself from colliding with the cold hard ground. He finally came to the conclusion that everything needs to stop.

"I'm sorry but I couldn't do this anymore." He pleaded as he wrapped his arms around Rivaille's neck.

"I'm done using you, Corporal." Those words were such bittersweet things coming out of his mouth. He bit his lower lip as he tightened his embrace.

"So please, let me go." He didn't want to say it. He didn't want to leave such words of farewell from his mouth. And so, he silently mouthed an apology once again. He grudgingly parted with the small frame of Rivaille's back.

Rivaille merely looked blankly into Eren's eyes. Then there was a moment of heavy silence lingering in the air, a moment of hesitation as Rivaille couldn't seem to figure out the right words to say.

"Fine." It was an empty word.

Rivaille broke away from pinning Eren down on his bed. He straightened his white dress shirt, annoyed at all the creases it made from what little movement he did. He picked up his Scouting Legion jacket as it was carelessly thrown aside during their supposed quick session. He quietly paced to the door of that all-knowing room.

"Get your ass ready, Eren Yeager. It's still early in the morning." He didn't look back as the door gently slid shut, leaving Eren sprawled on the bed, thoughtfully looking into the ceiling as if it was the most important thing right at that moment.

And there Rivaille stood outside, not even daring to move a single inch from the spot he glued himself onto. He felt his walls slowly crumbling down as he leaned his back on that same wooden door. He sighed, a breath he unconsciously held in as he hurriedly made an exit out of that stifling situation.

He said that it was fine. He thought it was okay. Truthfully, it is but something unknown had begged to differ. Maybe he simply does not care. Or maybe, he never really meant it at all. Looking into those eyes, he felt suffocated. Looking into those eyes, he felt so overwhelmed. Looking into those eyes, his mind went blank. Looking into those eyes, he never wanted to let go.

He rubbed his temples, annoyed at how everything seemed so out of hand. He simply couldn't grasp everything that transpired. He couldn't have possibly fallen now, could he?

"Well aren't I one lovesick fool." He begrudgingly sighed as he walked down the hallway. Falling in love, endearing someone, it just doesn't suit him at all. He almost sarcastically laughed at that bizarre thought.

_Even the best fall down sometimes._

_Even the wrong words seem to rhyme._

And so it seems, love is a peculiar thing. It would always be a harmless feeling at first. It would always present itself as a mere curiosity, an interest to know something more. Curiosity would lead to understanding. Understanding would lead to fascination. Fascination would lead to attraction. Attraction would lead to affection. And affection would lead to infatuation.

When Rivaille saw Eren, he was struck by his determination and his strong desire to exterminate all the Titans. They had the same hatred. They had a common goal. They wanted the tables turned and they hunger for the extinction of the Titans that made humanity extinct.

And as if fate was playing with them, Rivaille and Eren had their paths intertwined. They became humanity's hope and strength. Rivaille was humanity's strongest soldier. He was as valuable as one hundred skilled men. Eren being a Titan shifter brought new opportunities and great possibilities for the survival of humanity. He brought a new light to their despairing world.

And for a moment, Rivaille thought they had a mutual understanding for having a common cause.

He had dared. "Do you seek for a distraction?" Rivaille had asked Eren. He knew that they were both carrying such heavy burdens on their shoulders. They were tasked to save humanity. They were entrusted with the lives of countless human beings. And no matter how strong they were, they could only carry just as much on their frail little shoulders.

"Do you want me?" It was an invitation to the unknown.

Eren had also dared. He opened that door and they had since been constantly holding onto false hope brought by their close proximity and rough sexual intimacy. They used each other as an escape. They drowned each other in their own delusions and make-believe.

And before Rivaille could even grasp what was happening, he had always been playing right in the arms of love. He was so used to the concept of using Eren that he can't seem to accept the idea that he had fallen in love. And no matter how much he dismisses the thought and denies it inside his head, he couldn't betray his heart that felt somehow pleased and relieved.

_Out of the doubt that fills my mind,_

_I somehow find you and I collide._

"What needs to stop?" Rivaille inquired once again.

He took a step forward. "Our little act of make-believe." And another step. "Using each other for our selfish desires." And another step. "Wanting to taste our own presence as we trail hot kisses and rough caresses on our heated bodies." And Rivaille invaded Eren's personal space once again. He leaned in forward, stretching his right arm as he pinned Eren against the cemented wall. He inched closer, bringing their bodies in a tangled mess. He looked deeply into Eren's eyes as he slowly moved his face closer to the said boy, their lips brushing with even the slightest movement.

Rivaille breathed heavily. "Or is it the fact that we are starting to fall in each other's arms?" He teasingly pecked Eren's lips. "And the fact that we once wanted each other only to have it replaced with so much need that we can't seem to fucking breath."

He gave Eren options to choose from though he could only careless. He never intended to hear his answer. He never intended to abide by his rules. For all he knew, he somehow felt the same way too and that he would do anything, something, to make such heart-wrenching and stomach-churning feelings grow and turn into something beautiful, as cheesy and as unbelievable it may have seemed.

_Don't stop here._

_I lost my place._

_I'm close behind._

_"So please, let me go."_

He never wanted to hear those words. It unnerved him to hear those words. Why would he let go of something he labeled as his? Why would he let go of the distraction he painstakingly sought after? Why would he let Eren go seeing as they felt the same way? He wasn't foolish nor a martyr to refuse such a blessing, a miracle presented before him. He might have been hard-headed and impassive but it's not like he wasn't human.

He could feel pain. He could feel sorrow. He could somehow find happiness despite him standing at the peak of becoming emotionally impaired. Though filled with doubt and defiance regarding the subject love, he simply thought that he should stop being overdramatic and embrace this new change. He had lost everything from the start and so what else is he going to lose anyway?

And for a moment, Eren had forgotten how to breathe. He simply looked into a pair of sharp blue eyes as he basked in the feeling of Rivaille's hot breath caressing every inch of his face and the feeling of his soft lips brushing against his ever so slightly. He didn't flinch, he didn't avert his gaze. He simply looked at the man who gave him his first love. And at that exact same moment, Eren knew. He knew that Rivaille felt the same way too.

_Out of the doubt that fills your mind._

_You finally found you and I collide._

He slowly brought his right arm up, reaching for Rivaille's face. He softly traced the outline of Rivaille's jaw with his fingers and gingerly enveloped his palms onto Rivaille's left cheek. And bit by bit, he wrapped his hand on Rivaille's neck as he entangled his black silky locks in his fingers, closing the distance between them.

And there they caught each other's lips in a slow and endearing kiss. It wasn't needy. It wasn't done out of sexual tension. For once, Rivaille didn't ask for an entrance towards the cavern of Eren's mouth. For once, he didn't have the urge to hastily turn innocent kissing into something more. He simply wanted it just as it is.

It would have lasted much longer if not for their lungs begging for the much needed air. Their lips parted with a soft sigh as they were engulfed in a hazed daze. Rivaille nudged his forehead on Eren's chest as the said brunette dropped his head on top of Rivaille's hair, relishing in that same scent he had come to love so much. They stood in silence as they felt each other's presence within reach.

Rivaille was the first one to break away. "What now?" He asked though he had known the answer all along.

Eren looked expectantly towards Rivaille. He stayed quiet for a while.

"Do you want me or not? I'm not going to waste my time on you, brat." Rivaille clicked his tongue. This kind of thing, it's just not like him at all. He simply could not take such sappy romance.

"I don't want you, Corporal. I need you." Eren genuinely answered.

"Good." Rivaille walked away, ignoring that wide, cheeky grin resting on Eren's face.

"Now get back on your duties, Yeager. We're not here to dawdle around."

And Eren couldn't help but feel disappointed and happy at the same time. He still could not believe how he entranced humanity's strongest soldier into loving him so.

"Yes, Corporal." Eren responded as he fought back the urge to chuckle. He didn't want to receive a punch to his face nor a kick to his stomach. He just received a true kiss from Rivaille and he wasn't about to spoil that.

_Out of the back we fall in time._

_We somehow find you and I collide._

* * *

**A/N: **Like OH MY GAWD FOR THE FRICKLING FRACKLING LOVE OF MY OTP, I finally finished this chapter. I've been like what, writing this for the last 5 days. I just can't seem to write it in one go and it feels so frustrating. Add up the fact that college is being a total ass lately and we've been having make-up classes because there were many days that we weren't able to have classes due to typhoon. So yeah, there. Sunday is my only free time now. Boy am I so freaking tired.

I won't be updating this story for quite some time since I seriously need to focus on Sleeping to Dream. It has been seeking for my full love and attention. Haha!

I kind of based this on the song **_Collide by Howie Day_**. I also got the italicized words, which is the lyrics, from there. Funny thing is I played _**Black by G-Dragon (ft. Jennie Kim)**_ nonstop the whole time I'm writing this. I wasn't even able to listen to Collide that much. Haha!


	4. Daylight

**A CERTAIN SHITTY ALPHABET : DAYLIGHT – October 18, 2013**

* * *

**D - Daylight**

* * *

Eren was still for a moment and the clock had seemed to stop moving its impatient hands. The time had spared him from forgetting such an endearing sight. It gave him that rare opportunity of embedding such a precious memory in his mind.

He could never take his eyes away from the man who captured not only his heart but also the entirety of his whole life. He wanted to live for this man. He believed he lived his life for this man.

He admired how the sunlight goes through the small opening made by the cracks of the window blinds as it marred Rivaille's pale complexioned skin. He never thought it was possible for someone to glisten under the light of day yet here he was, marveling at the angelic sight of Rivaille's sleeping face. He looked so peaceful and so out of character that he momentarily wondered if this was reality or just another part of his delusional dreams. Eren carefully reached his index finger towards Rivaille's face as he lightly poked the space between his brows.

"You're always frowning I almost forgot you can manage this kind of face." He whispered as he chuckled when Rivaille lightly twitched his eyebrows in his sleep at the sudden contact.

It never occurred to him just how beautiful Rivaille is. He knew the man was attractive beyond belief and he knew just how much of a glistening gem he is despite having been so unpolished by the nightmares of his past. He was never beautiful in Eren's eyes in a sense of bodily and facial features aligned to match his taste. He was beautiful in a sense that he is a man of belief, dignity, and valuable experiences. He had seen and experienced so much that he could never take his eyes off the moment they were locked in a meaningful stare.

He liked Rivaille's eyes despite it being overshadowed by such strong and negative emotions he couldn't seem to place – maybe hatred, maybe pain, or maybe even defeat, that he could not tell. It gave him the thrill; it gave him the motivation to mend this broken man. It gave him the curiosity to pry and the courage to break down his walls one by one. It wasn't out of pity; Eren could never humiliate a man who had gone through so much. It was simply because he wanted to let the whole world know just how stunning and delicate this man dressed in a façade of a sharp tongue and an intimidating pair of eyes is.

He liked how the hues of grey and blue mix and form into such a special color especially made for an extraordinary man. It was befitting how two seemingly different weathers fight for dominance as it mirrors the grey skies of a dark past and the promising blue skies of hope and tranquility slowly overcoming the tragedy of a never-ending cycle of losing everything.

Eren never condemned Rivaille for his past. He could never erase those painful memories and he probably could never heal an open-wound but there is one thing he could perfectly do. Eren knew that he could give Rivaille a promise of a lifetime and an assurance of a new-found hope. It was something not worth of value yet it means everything to Rivaille. He was tired of promises because they were easily broken and left undone but he knew that with Eren, it was a vow that he could bet all his last remaining chances in. He had never trusted anyone so much yet Eren proved to be something more and he was willing to give his very last piece of self until breaking point.

Eren looked at Rivaille once more and he could not help but notice just how perfect he looked as the sunlight mapped his limbs and muscles. He was enveloped in awe as the shadow created by the light defined his toned muscles and his slim, almost feminine physique even more. He could not help but hitch a breath as he looked from his neck, to his well-chiseled and deep collarbones, and onto his waist as he willfully traced the outline of his slender torso in a hungry gaze.

"Damn." He hissed under his breath as he released a mouthful of air somehow trapped in his lungs.

That damned sunlight just knows who to pick as its victim. If it was not such an inanimate thing, Eren would have believed it wanted to devour Rivaille just as much as he wanted to ravish his neck with insatiable kisses and ran his fingers on his exposed chest. And certainly, the way it tangles its rays on his body made him somehow protective and jealous. Eren felt so stupid for having a grudge at a mere daylight.

Yet, he could not dismiss the fact that he could just gladly and silently sit for hours in astonishment as he watch Rivaille's steady breathing, his face released from tension and annoyance, and his body that certainly begs to be touched. It was a view he could not simply exchange for anything. It was a view worth of sacrificing his remaining minutes of sleep just to see Rivaille's moments of serenity amidst their battle of healing each other's wounds and coping up with the harsh reality of life.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm actually planning to do a triple update but I'm just really excited to post this since I haven't done an update for a month or so. Please excuse my absence and lack of updates since I've been battling with college. And since we're finally done with first semester and we're on a semestral break, I can finally write A LOT. Yeah! :D

**_Crack the Shutters by Snow Patrol_** is my inspiration for this. Specifically these stanzas,

_"Crack the shutters open wide_  
_ I wanna bathe you in the light of day_  
_ And just watch you as the rays_  
_ Tangle up around your face and body_

_I could sit for hours finding new ways_  
_ To be awed each minute_  
_ 'Cause the daylight seems to want you_  
_ Just as much as I want you"  
_

Lastly, THANK YOU FOR ALL THE FAVES, FOLLOWS, AND REVIEWS! I really can't thank you enough but I REALLY AM AND I'M SERIOUSLY HAPPY AND I LOVE YOU ALL OKAY. /hugs


	5. Echo

**A CERTAIN SHITTY ALPHABET : ECHO – October 22, 2013**

* * *

**E - Echo**

* * *

"Eren Jaeger." He whispered his name into thin air. It rang in different tones as the sound traveled around the four-cornered room. It resonated back to him, giving him the impression of a feedback he wasn't really expecting to have.

It was the name of a child who broke down and cried while watching his mother die before his very eyes. It was the name of a boy who is deemed useless even after gaining so much power that he can't even control. It was the name of a man who he wanted to become – strong, reliable, and powerful – and it gave him the satisfaction of knowing that he can finally stop denying himself.

How many years has it been? He had managed to grow into such a fine man; an adult capable of having a voice of reason and making a stand. Getting old, having a life, it never came across his mind. He was simply glad to have lived through every single day. He was simply glad to have any use on the battlefield. But, even a war could end in spite of losing precious lives and falling into the hands of despair every time. And he simply could not believe the fact that he, out of all people, survived the great battle of mankind and lived his life like everything had all been a very bad dream.

How many years has it been since this dark, unkempt, empty room was once filled with bickering, laughter, and commanding voices? How many years has it been since he remembered working his very best to keep every single nook and cranny dustless and clean? How many years has it been since he last had a glimpse of the only thing that kept him from falling down?

He closed the worn-out wooden door as he entered the dining room of what was once the Survey Corps headquarters. It was a room full of precious memories and he was filled with relief as he saw that everything is untouched; old and unclean but untouched. It was once a room where they shared their meals and tea breaks. It was once a room where they met to converse about an upcoming expedition or just plain senseless talks. It was once a room where he remembered staying up all night as Hanji passionately talked about her experiments.

He skillfully glided across the room as he pulled a chair he remembered was his usual sit. He sat down as he placed the torchlight he carried with him on top of the table. It left him feeling like the young, brash, and inexperienced boy he once was. Sitting on the same chair, with the same table, and the same company he imagined was there with him, it brought him back to those hellish yet ironically uplifting and blissful days of survival. Uplifting in a sense that he had his comrades with him and blissful because he was able to find love in such an uncanny place.

_"Eren." Rivaille whispered into his ear as he nibbled his earlobe and sucked it gently. He gave a good-natured hum of delight as he saw the reaction on the brunette's face._

_Eren instantaneously gasped for air as Rivaille's hot breathe caressed the caves and tunnels of his ear. He nipped at his lower lip as he tried to push back the feeling of intense desire encompassing his reason and sanity. He simply could not deny the fact that Rivaille whispering his name without insults intact in his sultry and velvety voice gave him a good push on the brink of losing himself._

_"Eren…" Rivaille whispered once again as he trailed soft and sensual kisses, tracing Eren's jaw line. He teasingly pecked his begging lips in an attempt to push him further into pleading him so. Eren's flushed face and his glazed turquoise-green eyes were enough to put him on the edge but he has far better self-control than that. And he certainly do not have any qualms in making this drag on for too long just so he could hear Eren desperately plead for him to do something, anything. He wasn't betrayed by that want._

_"Rivaille… please…" Eren pleaded to no avail._

_And it was Rivaille's turn to hitch his breath. He wasn't really fond of the titles "corporal" and "humanity's strongest soldier" but it was deemed important for he is a figure to be looked up to. He wasn't very particular with his name. It wasn't really an important thing until the brunette had done wonders to his name. With every syllable and perfect pronunciation that Eren spoke, entails overflowing emotions he had with the said man. It made Rivaille somehow pleased for he never received such deep affection and stunned for it had been his first._

_And if there is something that Rivaille could not defeat with his sheer strength, it would be his growing fondness for Eren day by day. Rivaille brought his hands up as he lovingly caressed Eren's left cheek._

_"Damned shitty brat, you are mine. Got that?" And Rivaille crashed their lips in a hungry yet passionate lock of dominance and pleasure. _

He lightly touched his lips as he reminisce a memory almost caught by the hands of forgotten time. He trailed his eyes across from his chair and looked at the place where Rivaille usually sits. He imagined the image of a man he had always admired, adored, and loved. It wouldn't be so right to put it into terms of the past because he could still feel the burning desire to hold Rivaille in his arms. But, he had long since been buried in rubbles and grimes and only just a hero told by history as a reminder of a tragedy in the past. And even if people would forget Rivaille as only a tell-tale hero, his entirety will always be etched in Eren's mind.

_Would it have made a difference if he was here? _Eren thought to himself as he scanned the room from the ceiling to the walls and from the walls to the ground. He noticed how barren the room looked like, making everything that happened there seem like a leaf swept by the wind with no remaining traces except for the hopeful chance of someone seeing it.

He regretted not enjoying everything when he still had it within reach. He regretted to be the only one living out of all the comrades he trusted and loved. With power comes great responsibility and he was ready to give up his life for the sake of humanity. He was fixated on the idea that he will be the first one to fall down. Yet here he is, sitting in a dark room, dwelling on nostalgia, melancholy, and regret; dwelling on his memories of the past.

"Hello?" He voiced out despite knowing that no one would be answering back but his echo. His heart constricted in sorrow as he listened to his voice coming back to him in reverberations.

He is a man of the past. He never belonged to a future where he is the only one alive amongst the generation of his time. He felt so alone and he felt like wanting to scream his name at the top of his lungs for the hope of someone familiar answering back. He cried, he faltered, but his voice is the only reassurance he got. He could reminisce Rivaille whispering his name as many times as he want but it can never turn into a presence he yearned and needed so much.

It was his desired future once. He wanted to see a world free of being caged by walls. He thought he wanted to see the beauty and expanse of the world because Armin had showed it to him, because Mikasa had been there to fight with him, because his friends had been there to support him, and certainly because he wanted to share it with Rivaille and see his eyes lit up for once. He thought it was what he desired but when he lost those who are important to him, everything lost its meaning.

"Hey, Corporal…" Eren smiled bitterly as he leaned on the table, pretending to converse with an imaginary figure of a man sipping his cup of tea in that overtly confident way across from his sit.

"I earned my title as a Commander. We're still doing expeditions outside the walls despite knowing they're not there anymore. Believe it or not, I've become a very capable and competent man." He smiled proudly to himself though it never really reached his eyes filled with sadness and longing. Eren paused for a minute as he waited for a response.

_"Don't get ahead of yourself just because of some damned label, shitty brat. I'm still your superior." _He chuckled to himself as he thought of a response Rivaille would likely give at that moment. He is once again filled with nostalgia as he remembered conversations he had with the said man.

"I really wanted to see you soon, Corporal." Eren sighed as he drowned in wistful silence hanging in the air.

"But no, I won't do something so stupid. You said you wanted me to see this life through. So here I am though I'm not living for myself." He lightly tapped his finger on the table.

"I'm living for the lives of my friends who failed to see the peaceful side of the world. And of course, I'm living my life for you, too."

_Corporal would have snorted if he was here. He is shy like that. _Eren thought as he fought the brooding sadness filling his heart. He might not have the ability to bring Rivaille back to life but he could still imagine himself having a conversation with the said man and picture his supposed reactions and response. He might have been a bit deranged and foolish but he would rather pretend someone is there instead of allowing the silence and desolation slowly eat his whole.

He could pretend a voice coming back in retort. He could pretend a whisper of his name amongst the darkness in the room. He could pretend someone is there with him. He could pretend he is alright when he is clearly not. He could pretend because after all, that is all he could possibly do.

* * *

**A/N:** Finally finished this. Hoorah~! I sure do hope it gave you a good painful clench in the heart. Pfft- Inspired by the song **_Echo by Jason Walker_**.

And once again, THANK YOU FOR ALL THE FAVES, FOLLOWS, AND REVIEWS. I know I can never thank you and show my appreciation enough but I just want y'all to know I love you. Okay? Good.


End file.
